W.T.Sex?!

This is a conversation I had with someone almost a year ago. There's a shorter version on my facebook because I posted it part-way through the conversation. Here it is in its completion. Let me know what you think.

???: So I have a question. (It's actually more of a series of questions, but I'll start with one.) Are you a virgin by choice or because of lack of opportunity? ... Or you don't know?

Me:I'd say both choice and lack of opportunity. but lack of opportunity in the sense of my preventing opportunity. I see sex as a sacred thing. it's usually treated in an itemized way. "I got laid" or "I got a blow job" or even things like "I'm a boob-guy myself." It doesn't matter who we get it from as long as we get it. We've turned sex into something to be obtained not something shared with someone we love. We've turned people into junkyards; we just go in looking for what we want the most at the least cost to ourselves. Don't get me wrong, I think sex can be purely fun too, but only if it ultimately brings the two people together. That's why I'm waiting until I'm married. Then I'll never know "how good" my wife is because she'll be the best I've ever had, The only one I would ever want because it's about her and I becoming one and not three or four. How could I ever want anyone else when I've waited all this time for her? I know that's worth waiting for.

???: Hmm.. I never thought about sex as being objectified, but you're definitely right. I never thought about it like that before. To each his own, I guess? The same can be said for other aspects of sexuality as well though. Holding hands.. Having a gf or bf just to have one. Kissing. Oral. All those things can be objectified. What makes sex different?

And that being said, are you restricting yourself to marrying a virgin? What are the chances of you actually finding someone like that?

Me: sex isn't necessarily different. whatever form of physical pleasure (or emotional for that matter) is objectified if it's only for the self gain and not about the unity. I never seen objectified pleasure help anyone. it's really only using someone. I've see it almost every time (if not every time) keep relationships together longer than they should and people getting hurt more than they would have without it. Sex and sexual pleasures have a lot of psychological effects that keep people where they shouldn't be if it's only (or mostly) about themselves.

but to answer your question, who I marry doesn't have to be a virgin. She can have a kid, or be divorced. It comes down to could I trust her with my everything? would she trust me with theirs? Does she actively love Jesus? He's the only one that can restore a person and give her His faithfulness and love to pass on to me and I to her. That's true regardless of if she's a virgin or not

haven't heard from you in a while. I'm still glad to answer any questions you have about my virginity or anything else. it's been good talking to you and I hope to hear from you soon

???: I've just been thinking is all.

Hmm...

So what if it's sex between two people who genuinely love each other but aren't married? It's not "itemized." Why wait until you're legally married? What's the difference besides a legal piece of paper?

Me: The difference is in the oaths. Vowing before God. paper is a technicality, but a lawful one. God wants us to obey the law and because He loves us and wants the best for us, it only makes sense to obey Him. and if impatience is what keeps you from waiting until then, then isn't that using for selfish means? isn't something worth more in waiting for it? if you can't wait then it's eating food that isn't fully prepared. not waiting until public vows is being selfish and itemizing, but the whole person and not necessarily one part

???: Obey the law?? It's the law to have to be married before having sex?

Me: no. that's not what I meant. to be married it illegitimate to not report it to the government. still a technicality though. But that for believers that are in a place with that kind of law. it's different in the jungles of africa for instance. no legal implications there

???: I guess I'm still questioning the connection between marriage and sex then?

Me: Marriage is when you officially make a commitment before God, other people, and (in

many cases) the government. for lack of a better analogy, it's like eating a candy bar before you pay for it because you don't know if you really want it. you buy it when you're sure you want it and then you eat it. it's stealing if you eat it and leave without paying for it. taking what's not yours and you can't give it back, but you still aren't committed to it. That's a silly analogy but I hope you get the point.

The way I see it I am my wife's. I'm not married and I have no prospects, but I am hers now. if I were to have sex with someone it would be to steal what is hers form her and give it to someone else. even if it's someone I was engaged to because she is still not my wife. imagine the trust that will be built immediately when I can say, "I've waited for only you." how could I want another when I have not tasted another. how can I long for someone else when I have no knowledge of any else. She'll be the best I've ever had and the only one I'll ever want. why would I bother to go to someone else when she is the best?

hey. haven't heard from you in a long while now and was wondering what your thoughts are. Also, I'd really like to post our conversation as a note on my page if that's ok with you. obviously you'll remain anonymous because I don't even know who you are

???: hmmm. I guess it's alright...

And I've just been contemplating, again. That's all.

Me: ok cool. Thanks

???: So I'm at this point again when I'm contemplating my virginity. Almost done with college and I feel like I've made it this far. But I feel like I'm handi-capped or something because of it sometimes. I think part of that is due to the fact that I've just started dating again for the first time in a long time, and it's always an odd subject that comes up. People just assume that I have sex regularly and I don't correct them because I don't want to be the "black sheep". It's almost embarrassing to me and I just prefer not to talk about it. Is that wrong?? Have you ever known someone to be a virgin who's actually regretted it?

And did you ever post our conversation out of curiosity?

Me: Not once have I ever heard of someone regretting waiting until their married. Very often Have I heard stories of people regretting giving away their virginity before they were married, even if they ended up married to the person they gave it to.

As far as 'is it wrong?' i'd say we're looking at a symptom and not the actual problem. but first we'll talk a bit about the symptom.

Culturally we are the black sheep, the oddballs. In our society "who are you dating?" has become synonymous with "who are you having sex with?" It can be very embarrassing to be different, but embarrassing is where we find the root of the problem.

To be embarrassed is to feel as though we don't not have or will not have the acceptance of others because of who we are. It causes a sense of unbalance which we desperately try to avoid. In this way other people control us. Not always on purpose or with ill intent but they have sway over what we do and how we think. In the end only God's opinion matters. God wants us to wait to have sex because He loves us perfectly, He can see the future and knows what is best for us, so He asks us to do things for Him which ultimately are for our own good. When we remember this and how other people's opinions don't matter in the end, then we are not embarrassed because God loves us and wants what's best. Our friends do not. They may love us but by no means do they know what's best. God can see what will happen in the future, our friends cannot. It's silly to take their opinions over God's.

But that doesn't make it easy. It's something we have to continually remind ourselves of. I have struggled over the same things. Virginity will not get you to the top of any popularity charts, but it truly is what's best. God promised as much.

???: If I don't have religion, how do I hold on to it? What reason do I have?

Me: Other than STD's and unexpected Pregnancy, The emotional and psychological reasons. When people have sex they are having the most intimate experience that is physically possible. Things literally go off in our brains (particularly for women) that bind us both physically and mentally to the other person. That's a lot to give to someone. especially someone who isn't bound to you in a way that cannot be broken. Yes, people get divorced all the time but let's assume marriage is more than that. Let's say it's unbreakable. That is the only time that I could quite literally trust someone with everything I am. That's what sex really comes down to in the end. I've seen people torn to pieces because suddenly the person they trusted with everything has left them. Sometimes it's so bad it takes years to recover. That's what people try to hide about sex, so that we don't have to be committed. so we can worship sex itself instead of forming a beautiful and (dare I say) magical bond with the most important person in our lives.