I have found the reason to fear death. To not end. After death nothing ends. I was more terrified today than I have ever been in my entire life. I was terrified of heaven. I still am. I need it to end. I need things to be over. I would rather have never been born because now that I have been I will always exist. I was shaking in worship. Every time grace or love or mercy was mentioned I ached. It all reminds me that I can't end. I want to end. I want to not exist. It's one thing to fear God, but what about abject terror? Of course having to pick between heaven and hell is an easy one and I am already spoken for, but I fear eternity more than life itself. Everything in life will end, so why fear it? Heaven has no such boundaries, and I have never known fear so strong that I cannot be rid of because of God. It is God Himself I fear. There is not stopping it. Accepting the fact doesn't make it non-fact. I asked God to make me a man. To give me courage. Perhaps this is step one. Perhaps it is step only. I am terrified.
The Reason Fear Dies
It's odd that I used to have a completely different view on heaven. I can remember times thinking, "God, if you wanted to take me now then that would be just fine." Why has my perception changed? Perhaps it is my cowardice. I asked God to make me a man: to give me courage and strength. Perhaps that's just what He did. What can be strong without God? What power is there without the source of power? Simply people who are weak and deceived. In Christ alone I have strength. Only with Him is the any reason for courage. All other situations have no reason for hope or courage. I must trust God that heaven is a good thing. That I wont want it to end. Not to let something as silly as comprehension be an all defining gage by which I can control my world with my whims. Jesus is where my strength and courage must come from. All else comes from myself or the decaying world and is simply futile.
No comments:
Post a Comment